In Elizabeth Jennings’ poem, Put Memory Away, there is a line that sparked my interest, and caused me to contemplate another meaning of Christmas.  The line reads, “…a child puts out a stocking.” 

Why do children (and adults) put out stockings at Christmas?  Of course.  The answer is plain.  We put out Christmas stockings in the belief and hope that Santa Claus will magically visit as we sleep and fill them with Christmas goodies.  Then on Christmas morning our hearts are filled with joy as we unload the fruit, candies, nuts, and trinkets of love bestowed upon us.

This time of year often times brings painful memories for abuse survivors.  Put those memories away.  My wish is that you will find joy in putting out a stocking of hope and belief  that your pain will be put away.  May you make happy memories as you contemplate the goodness of God. 

May we continue to gain strength in our quest to put an end to clergy sexual abuse, and making churches safer places to worship.  May you find peace in your own sacred place this season.    

New Revised 2009 Edition of  Invisible Girls, the Truth About Sexual Abuse  by Dr. Patti Feuereisen (order information below).

Seal Press (a member of the Perseus Books Group) has just released the revised edition of Invisible Girls, the Truth About Sexual Abuse, by Dr. Patti Feuereisen with Caroline Pincus (first published in 2005).  The release date was set for September of 2009.  Below is my review of this refreshing and affirming publication.

In the new edition of Invisible Girls, Dr. Patti Feuereisen expands on her most comprehensive, in depth, honest look at sexual abuse by including the “voices” of other sexual abuse victims, including girls who were formerly involved in trafficking.   The book is self-described as a “book for teen girls, young women, and everyone who cares about them,” but this book is much more.  It brings Judith Herman’s great work, Trauma & Recovery, to practical life in an easy-to-read format.

By the powerful first-hand stories of real sexual abuse victims, Dr. Feuereisen dispels the myths of sexual abuse, e.g., that “forgiveness” leads to healing, and tells the truth of the awful epidemic plaguing not only families, but our society as a whole.  Dr. Feuereisen explains how Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) develops in abusive families and relationships, and how PTSD works to help the victims survive the abuse.  Dr. Feuereisen’s clear message is repeated over and over:  “It is not your fault. “  There is HOPE, real hope for sexual abuse survivors.   Dr. Feuereisen proclaims the courage and ingenuity of the human spirit to survive sexual abuse.  She is straight-forward, positive, upbeat and lends her own confidence that sexual abuse survivors can thrive. 

This is a book for any survivor of any age of any form of sexual abuse:   incest, one-time rape, date rape, acquaintance rape, inappropriate sexual abuse relationships with coaches, teachers, clergy, bosses.  Her message is clear:  it is not your fault, and there is hope.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book for clergy sexual abuse survivors, whether they were abused as children or adults.  The information will help explain and clarify your feelings, the PTSD you experience, and dismisses many myths about who is to blame, and the recovery process.

As with all books on these issues, the reader, especially a sexual abuse victim or survivor, needs to be warned that reading this book can trigger emotional responses.   Make sure there is support available to you while reading this book.

TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT DR. FEUEREISEN AND HOW TO PURCHASE INVISIBLE GIRLS,  CHECK OUT DR. FEUEREISEN’S WEBSITE:     http://www.girlthrive.com/

Baylor University has teamed up with the Ford Foundation in researching Clergy Sexual Misconduct (CSM).  This new term, “Clergy Sexual Misconduct” is become the official terminology in describing the violent sexual abuse by pastors against women and children that happens way too often in way too many of our churches, temples and other places of worship. 

If you have any interest in clergy sexual misconduct (CSM), you MUST check out this website:

http://www.baylor.edu/clergysexualmisconduct/

In searching for my own answers many years ago as to the why, and how, and how could God allow ”this” to happen to me, at my church, at any church, at a time when we are so “advanced” in our thinking about violence against women and children in this country, the Lord gave me Psalm 27:13,14:

“I am still confident of this:  I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

I believe the Lord is taking action through this research study.  The “goodness of the Lord” for all victims of clergy sexual misconduct is upon us in the land of the living.  For all those nay-sayers who told me I would have to wait until I died to see any justice in my case, I can only say, watch for the goodness of the Lord. 

One of the goals of this study is to make CSM a household term, and to change the terrible misconception that CSM is an “affair” to the reality that it is “abuse of power”…and should be deemed criminal.

Thank you Diana Garland for your courage and determination with this project, and for all who participated to make it happen.  Thanks especially to the Ford Foundation for their funds in making it come to fruition.  Praise God.

Many who deal with victims of clergy sexual abuse are quick to assume that forgiveness plays an important role in healing the wounds of clergy sexual abuse.   Forgiveness has been thrown in my face many times by well-meaning Christians.   If I would just “forgive” my perpetrator, I’m told, then I’d be healed of the pain. 

Then recently, something happened that brought a little vindication to my credibility.  You see, the pastor who hurt me spread an awful rumor about me during the time he was abusing me.  People in the church believed his lie–because they had no reason not to.  After all, he was the senior pastor of a prominent church, a professor at a highly respected seminary, and influential among many Christian leaders throughout the United States.  No one told me about his lie because he told others not to say anything to me.  He told them I would become angry and enraged if they brought it up.  People were afraid to say anything to me until after everything about the clergy sexual abuse came out. 

When I found out what he said, I was shocked.  Apparently he said I was a former prostitute he found on the streets, and that he was trying to rehabilitate me.  That was an incredible lie!  Why did he make up such a terrible lie about me?   He wanted to make sure no one would believe me if I told what he was doing behind closed doors.  

How could I ever defend myself against his lie?  The truth is I graduated from a Bible college, and attended the local university where I was working on my Master’s Degree when I met the pastor.  I’ve even offered to show people my transcripts to prove my good reputation.

Then several weeks ago, a coed from the Bible college I attended let me know they had placed a plaque in the Conservatory of Music with my name on it.  She was delighted; I was surprised, and honored.  I had already received the award many years ago.  I didn’t think they would make such a big deal of the awards that had been presented throughout the years.   The plaque states I was the ”Outstanding Vocalist of the Year” for 1978-79.  My name publicly displayed by the Conservatory of Music is a testament to my good reputation.  It proclaims the truth about who I am.  It is significant…and healing.  How could I be what the perpetrator said I was when I was attending a Bible college, and the university?

Then today, I received an email from a woman who recently found “healing and restoration” through being believed by the authorities.  She was vindicated, and has now found a new respect at her new church for turning in her perpetrator–twice!  He now faces additional charges including embezzlement.   It brought her healing and restoration. 

Is “forgiveness” necessary for healing?  What about being “believed” and being “vindicated” and gaining back your “respect”?   When others believe the victim…when those in authority hold the perpetrator accountable…when the victim is vindicated of wrongdoing…when the victim wins back her good reputation…when the victim’s respect and dignity are restored by the church…that’s how healing really comes about.

After the election last week, I had a discussion with a friend who voted in favor the Proposition 8, the proposition meant to undo the California Supreme Court decision to allow homosexuals to be married.  I asked her, “Why was it important for you to vote yes?” 

She responded with an answer that took me a little by surprise.  I was expecting her to tell me how much she disliked homosexuals, but that wasn’t her answer.  Rather, she said, “What bothers me is that the homosexuals are trying to redefine marriage.  That word has had the same meaning for thousands of years.  I can’t stand it when people change the meaning of words.”

When I heard her answer, it brought to mind another word:  forgiveness.   The Old Testament meaning of forgiveness is very clear.  In the New Testament, when Jesus, Peter, Paul and others spoke of forgiveness, they meant the Old Testament meaning.  Forgiveness is to be granted when the one who did the wrongdoing confesses, repents, and seeks to be forgiven.   The reason for this kind of forgiveness?  So that the relationship which was broken by the offense can be restored.

The apostle Paul also introduced a new concept to be used among believers.  The Greek word is charizomai.  It is translated “forgiveness” in many English translations.  It means to let the offense slide, to forget about the offense.  It’s an act of grace intended to be granted for “minor” offenses and sins (not major sins, especially those involving evil).  What is the purpose for charizomai?  Paul clearly states that Christians are to let minor offenses go to preserve unity and peace within the church.

Around the 1970’s and 1980’s, many Christian psychologists were looking for a way to help their patients who were having difficulty with past abuses (”sins” committed against them involving evil).  They got the idea to just tell their patients to “forgive” their offenders.  (Then the issue arose with incest survivors whose offending fathers had passed away, and their anxiety rose as they struggled with not having the opportunity to confront their dads with what they had done.)   These well-meaning psychologists suggested that if the patient just “forgave” they would get better.  They also suggested that the offending party need not be present for forgiveness to be granted. 

It’s unfortunate they used the word “forgiveness.”  There is a much better approach for accomplishing the task of moving on when you’ve been abused, and it is biblical.  It is the idea of forbearance, which involves longsuffering and patience with another, and allowing God to deal with our offender(s).  But that’s a whole different topic.

I’m not sure how it all emerged, but apparently among some Evangelicals there came a new doctrine of forgiveness.  They called it “letting it go.”   This new doctrine attributes all of the teachings about forgiveness by Jesus and the apostles to “letting it go.”  

After a little research, I found that “letting it go” is a doctrine taken directly from Buddhism.  It isn’t a Christian principal at all!  But even in Buddhism the idea of letting it go is more akin to Paul’s teaching of charizomai, not forgiveness.

I discussed forgiveness and “letting it go” with my friend, and asked why, if us Christians are so upset over California’s Supreme Court changing the meaning of marriage, why aren’t we upset that the meaning of forgiveness has been changed by Evanglicals?  I haven’t heard one Evangelical Christian stand up publicly and speak out against the changing of the meaning of forgiveness.

I went to a Christian college where sexual activity among coeds was strictly forbidden.  We signed a contract with the school vowing that we would refrain from such activity (along with a host of other taboos).  So when my friend told me he walked in on his roommate having sex with a female student, he was quite shaken up.  He described to me what he saw, and how the two partners were scrambling to get their clothes back on.  Then he said, “They weren’t having sex!  No!  I didn’t see them having sex!”

Many times when we witness something like that, we experience shock and betrayal.  To admit we saw what we saw places us in a position of responsibility.  In my friend’s case, if he acknowledged what he saw, he would then have to ”turn in” his roommate, knowing his roommate would be thrown out of the college.  If only his roommate hadn’t done what he did, then my friend wouldn’t have to take responsbility.  My friend (and the college) had been betrayed by his roommate.  Admitting he saw what he saw meant he would have to admit his roommate betrayed him, and the institution he believed in.

The same thing happens to innocent bystanders in a church where clergy sexual abuse happens.  Other staff members, church leaders, and congregation members might sense something is wrong.  They may even be eyewitnesses to the assaults.  I’m reminded of a church elder who literally walked in as the pastor was sexually assaulting one of his victims.   The elder didn’t do anything, and I wondered why.

We all want to believe that Christians, especially at “our” church are good people.  So when we see the pastor (or other respected church leader) doing something so heinous and unthinkable as sexual abuse, it’s hard to believe.  We go into a state of shock riddled with betrayal.  If we admit we saw what we saw, it places us in a position to take responsibility.  We have to admit we were betrayed: the “good” people and the “good” institution to whom we vowed allegiance are not so “good” after all.

Maybe that’s why God hates sexual sins so much.  It’s not just the “sin” of a very sick sexual predator.  It doesn’t just harm the victim(s)–harm that is far reaching, and takes years to undo.  It also affects others in their belief that the world is a safe place, that we can trust others to be who they say they are.  When it comes to a pastor sexual predator, many people relate God to the pastor perpetrator, thus preventing innocent bystanders from trusting God.   It could take years for any person affected by clergy sexual abuse to regain the ability to trust the church, or even God. 

Did the church betray us?  Yes and no.  No, I’m sure church leaders aren’t seeking to put sex offenders in their pulpits.  But many times, when witnesses come forward to report sexual abuse, the witnesses aren’t believed, or very little action is taken–if any.   So, yes, there are times when the church betrays us by covering up, and “protecting” the pastor perpetrators for whatever their reason.

Has God betrayed us?  No.  The one ultimately responsible is a crazed narcissistic psychopath, not God.  God does not betray His own; but rather loves His children. 

The statistics regarding clergy sexual abuse today are staggering.  Kathryn Flynn reports in her book, The Sexual Abuse of Women by Members of the Clergy, that the number of clergy sexual predators is as high as 37%.  That’s astounding.  That’s more than 1 in 3 pastors!

We need not be so much in shock when we witness the unthinkable.  It’s likely that any Christian who is involved in church will become a witness to clergy sexual abuse.  Did we really see what we just saw?  We probably did!  Admitting it is the first step in preventing clergy sexual abuse.

Yesterday my husband took a surfing expedition to his favorite surfing spot.  After a few hours riding the waves, he stopped in at his favorite breakfast place.  Being alone, he sat at the bar and ordered breakfast.  He noticed the lady next to him was reading a Bible.  He asked her what book she was reading from, and from there the two struck up a conversation.

Somehow, the conversation turned to clergy sexual abuse.  The woman told of how her husband had run off with the pastor of their church, and divorced her.  My husband relayed to her how his wife had been sexually assaulted by the pastor of our church.   My husband encouraged the woman, and the woman encouraged my husband.  Both agreed to be praying for each other.  Then they parted ways.

As my husband was telling me about this chance meeting with this woman, several things raced through my thoughts.   First, the woman’s husband was a victim of clergy sexual abuse.  He had run off with a woman pastor.  It’s hard to think that a woman pastor would take advantage of a married man in her congregation.  Usually, it’s the other way around.  But this does happen.  This is the second case that I’ve personally been made aware of.  Women pastors can, and do, abuse their power as pastor.  And the harm is just as great.

But another thought occurred to me.  Was this meeting that my own husband had with this woman just a chance meeting, a miracle, of sorts?  I mean, what are the odds?  My husband walks into a breakfast dive, sits at the counter, and unbelievably runs into a woman whose ex-husband was a victim of clergy sexual abuse!  Was it a miracle meeting? 

Then another thought ran across my mind.  Could it be that clergy sexual abuse is so widespread, it’s not hard to find people who’ve been affected by it.  I’ve thought for a long time we only know the tip of the CSA iceberg.

I think if we knew how widespread clergy sexual abuse really is, we would all stand up to do something about it. 

Last week I was listening to the local Christian radio station as I was driving in my car.  I try to be careful when listening to Christian radio as sometimes I get triggered by something said.  But last week, I ventured to listen, thinking I could handle any triggers that occurred. 

There was a “talk show” with Chuck Smith, the founder of the Calvary Chapel movement.  Callers were calling in to ask Chuck questions about the Bible, their faith, their walk, etc.  One lady called in and had a question.  Apparently, she had gone to the grocery store a few days before, and a male employee of the grocery store attempted to sexually assault her in the parking lot as she made her way to her car.  She was able to escape him, but as she drove off, she was so flustered by the incident, she ran into a post, damaging the side of her car. 

Her question for Chuck was, “What should I do?  Should I let the grocery store know what happened?  Should I turn the guy in?”  She said she had several Christian friends who told her not to tell because she wasn’t harmed, and was able to get away from her would-be assailant.  She also had other Christian friends, she explained, who told her to report him.  She was confused.  She wanted to know what a good Christian woman should do.

By the way, it is normal for anyone who undergoes what she went through to be confused by what happened.  But that’s just an aside.  Here was Chuck Smith’s answer:

Chuck Smith told her she should definitely go back to the store and turn the guy in.  His reason was because even though she had not been hurt by him, she was clearly shaken up by the incident, she damaged her car, and turning him in would prevent him from hurting anyone else in the future.  He also suggested that the grocery store pick up the tab for repairing her vehicle.

My first response was to say a hearty “Amen!” to Chuck’s answer.  Chuck got it right.  He understood that it’s important for a survivor of sexual abuse/attempted sexual assault to turn the guy in!   But then the thought occurred to me…

What if the woman had called Chuck, and asked him what to do if her pastor had tried to assault her?  And what if the pastor was on Chuck’s pastoral staff or pastoring in a Calvary Chapel church?  Would Chuck Smith’s answer be the same?  Would his church listen to the woman?  Would his church take action against the pastor?  Would his church get real help for the woman if she had been sexually assaulted by a pastor?

I don’t know the answer to my questions.  I don’t know where Chuck Smith stands on the issue of clergy sexual abuse.  I would like to believe that he, being the spiritual man he seems to be, would have the same understanding of “clergy” sexual abuse as he does for “secular” sexual abuse.  There really is no difference, except that clergy too often are able to hide behind separation of church and state laws and get away with it, leaving the victim(s) to fend for themselves.  

What if the lady who called in to ask Chuck Smith followed his advice, only to have the grocery store manager minimize what happened to her, tell her that the employee who tried to assault her was his best employee, and threatened to sue her for slandering such a decent young man?

I applaud Chuck Smith for believing the woman who called him, and for encouraging her to go to the grocery store.  But he also could have offered to have someone go with her to the grocery store, and if the grocery store manager did not believe her, encourage her to go to the police department to file a complaint against the employee.

We ask, “What should I do?”  Women who become victims and survivors of sexual assault should do everything we can to tell the authorities what happened.  Yes, we should turn sexual predators in!

Perhaps as more light is shed on sexual predators, both in secular settings and in the church, Christian leaders, such as Chuck Smith will be more proactive in helping victims and survivors of clergy sexual abuse.

“Study to show thyself approved unto God…” (2 Timothy 2:15)

Recently I received two comments from visitors to Sharon’s Rose who have shown their approval for Sharon’s Rose.  One never knows for certain that your website will reach those for whom you intend it to reach, so it’s a pleasure to receive a good word about the work you’ve done.  These women, who have been greatly affected by clergy sexual abuse, have confirmed to me that there is a need for Sharon’s Rose.  These aren’t the only words of affirmation I’ve received, but are the latest, and I wanted to share them. 

From a woman: 

“Sharon, God bless you for this site…. It has already been a blessing to me….We have faith in God, but have no trust or desire to be in church due to the way the church reacted…. Thank you for your site and allowing me to speak through it.  I am pretty much silenced by what happened.”

Another visitor said: 

“Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate the work you are doing. I have been to your website and learned much. May God bless you and your family. Your words on this site are balm to the soul.”

Sharon’s Rose continues to get hits from all over the world.  I am very thankful for every one who visits Sharon’s Rose, and hope it will minister to clergy sexual abuse survivors, and help bring understanding to this atrocity happening in our churches.  Our collective voices form a strong cord that will bring clergy sexual abuse to an end. 

“Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words…”

Words are important.  Words can make or break a man, woman or child.   Words can tear down.   Words can build up.  They can have a negative effect.  They can have a positive effect.   It is up to the speaker to decide how his or her words will be delivered, and for what purpose. 

When it was found out that the pastor of my church was sexually assaulting several women at my church, the elder board became afraid.  They were afraid if the congregation knew the truth, many in the congregation would leave the church, and the church would fold.  The elders were faced with a dilemma, and a decision.   What would they say to the congregation?   How could they possibly explain what happened?  How could they save face in light of the fact they did nothing about the evil that had been lurking right under their noses for many years?   

The elders could have told the truth.  Yes, it would have been embarrassing.  Yes, it would have been hard to explain, not only to the congregation, but to the pastor’s wife and family…something they haven’t done to this day!  But I believe had they told the truth, the congregation, and the pastor’s family, and the victims, all would have had a greater chance to heal.  The evil of the sexual abuse would have ended, and the perpetrating pastor would have had the chance to be held accountable for his terrible deeds.  God honors truth.  God would have worked things out for the best–for the church, the elders, the congregants, the victims, the pastor’s family, and even the pastor.

Unfortunately, the elders decided to “speak evil.”  Rather than tell the truth–that several victims of the pastor had come forward to complain of being sexually abused by the pastor–the elders made up a “cover up” lie.  They felt a lie would be easier for the congregation to hear than the truth.   They announced the pastor had confessed to “sexual impropriety” with “one woman.”  Even their lie was outrageous; as if that were a “lesser” offense than what really happened.  As truth has a way of doing–coming up to the surface–they’ve had to modify their lie because their lie doesn’t fit the truth. 

As a result, many families left the church–some never to return to any church.  Two-thirds of the congregation left.  Those who remained are still under the lies of the elders.  And even though many new people have joined the church since the split, the church remains with lies at its foundation.  The elders think they “pulled it off.”  “What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.”  The elders replaced the firm foundation of their church (God’s word) with a tangled web of deceit.  God cannot honor a church built on lies; it’s against his character.  

What can anyone learn from what happened?  Speaking evil (lies) causes harm.  It tears down.  But speaking truth–though painful at times–gives opportunity for healing and building up.  It brings hope.   It restores joy and peace, not only between brothers and sisters, but with God himself.

May we all choose to speak the truth, even if it means we will be humbled, because in doing so we will be honoring God.  In return, God will honor those who tell the truth.

I close with these thoughts from King Solomon:

“A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.  The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness” (Prov. 15:1,2).

“A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Prov. 15:4).

“An evildoer gives heed to false lips; a liar listens eagerly to a spiteful tongue” (Prov. 17:4).

“He who has a deceitful heart finds no good, And he who has a perverse tongue falls into evil” (Prov. 17:20).

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Prov. 18:21).